Mopeds, bikini lines and football PMT

In Vietnam you have the option of getting a sleeper bus, we weren't sure of the definition but we thought it would be a good idea. Turns out it's like bunk beds on a bus, from the thigh down is a hard capsule which you slide your legs into and can no longer move them - not great for my throbbing burn (if you didn't read my previous blog, this is the burn from a moped  exhaust). And the seat reclines to a 150 degree position. I hated it, it's so clostrophbic especially as you have someone above you, it's times like this I wish for the Cruz del Sur buses in Peru.  Anyway, I managed to survive the 14hr journey to Hue, luckily my leg apart from being uncomfortable and worried about infection, didn't cause me much pain. Just one huge and ugly blister. To my frustration we found a hotel with a pool for £6 a night, pools being a bad idea with a new burn! We checked in with an unlikely pair, a Geordie and American and arranged to go out drinking later that day. But first off I wanted to see a doctor. It's the worst thing to do, but when you're this far from home the Internet is your doctor, and all it had done was worry me that my burn was going to get infected and kill me! Ok not quite that bad but I was still worried as advice about how to treat it was conflicting. So we walked down to the local pharmacy. They were helpful but I still felt skeptical, so in the end we got a taxi to the hospital in the guidebook. I had assumed that because when Greg had been ill in Bolivia and also in Hanoi with an ear infection, that the hospital would be of the same standard. I was wrong. I knew as soon as we pulled up that I didn't like the look of it. There were people everywhere in chaos, there were seemingly no hospital staff to ask for help, doors were open into tiny examination rooms, where other patients queueing watched others get checked out. It was filthy everywhere, and it absolutely stank of piss. I had one quick walk round, hoping a clinical room with pristine staff was around the next corner, to no avail. So we left. It goes to show how much we take our free (taxes are far better than insurance) NHS service for granted.  Hue was a short stop but after spending a day to recover from the bus we were spurred on by our new friends to get out and about. They, with the help of valium had slept the entire bus ride, and had undertaken a 30k round trip to the beach on bikes. We, despite our full days recovery decided on a moped to do the same. Greg had never driven one before, and i was a little scared, but he soon got the hang of it.  Our first stop was the citadel, a walled city of palaces and ornate buildings built in the 15th century. It's was gorgeous, but with the 35 degree blaring sun we couldn't hack walking round it for long. We hopped back on the bike to feel the breeze in our hair (so to speak, we had helmets on of course). We had been given the rough direction of the beach, but after some hand signals (ie. Gesturing breast stroke, nodding and pointing) with a few locals we found the way. We arrived at about 4 but this was just right as the sun was cooling off and we found the perfect shack for a beer, where we also found our friends Ross and Guy doing the same thing. The beach was amazing, with hardly any tourists, just locals and near deserted at that. Apart from a few wooden beach shacks it was completely undeveloped.  The drive back during sunset was cool, especially from the passenger seat, I could watch the locals going about their day, working in the rice paddies, leading cattle along the road and driving their precariously loaded mopeds, and all wearing their practical pointed straw hats. In that hazy time of day it looked like a film scene, exactly how you imagine Vietnam to look. We decided to get back on the road after our amazing day in Hue. This time to Hoi An, a protected ancient town famed for it's tailors. Unfortunately our 4hour drive there was in the smallest mini bus we've been in. The van itself was normal size, but somehow they must have bastardized the seats to get more people into it. We literally had our knees in our chest, it was torture. The heat again was stifling as we got out, and this time we couldn't be bothered looking around for a place to stay, so we jumped straight into the air con of the nearest hotel (again with a bloody pool to torture me) turned out it was £7 a night so couldn't complain. Hoi An was gorgeous. Every building had been preserved in it's original state and all the shops and restaurants within these buildings were beautifully in-keeping with the original style. It was like stepping into the Last Samurai set, it had a lot of what we know as Chinese and Japanese influences.  Apart from strolling around the town nothing of any interest happened, that is apart from the worst bikini waxing experience of my life.... I knew that the next couple of places on our list were beach resorts, so I thought it best to update my bikini line. Fortunately the hotel had a slightly tired and empty looking salon, so I haggled a deal for a pedicure and Brazilian for £7. I should have known it was toi good to be true. After a pretty shoddy pedicure, during which she ate a foul smelling baguette, to my horror she showed me into a room and got me to lie right next to a woman having a massage. Oh well we're all girls I thought, but can't be very relaxing for the other woman. I gestured 'all off' to which she looked at by fluff and frowned saying 'no no, nice Vietnamese style, not pay enough' at this point I realised this wasn't going to be a Rio style wax so I  just nodded ushering her to get on with it.  She half heartedly pulled off 2 or 3 strips, then I felt another weird sensation, which I stupidly ignored. 'ok good' she exclaimed after 3 minutes, I looked down and the hair was gone, but she had only used a small amount of wax, the rest she removed using a cut throat razor! I was so angry, not only would it grow back in some places and not others but also it was going to get a rash and be uncomfortable. I said as much to her in front of the other woman, who was now getting a manicure. To my horror she shouted back at me, and said 'too much hair, very bad, wax not possible' she was cruelly trying to embarrass me in front of the woman, I laughed, threw the money at her and walked out. But when I got back to the room I was fuming, and realized I shouldn't have paid her. So Greg at my side we went to confront her, she said the same to him, to which he calmly replied 'how dare you speak to a customer like that, you are unprofessional, and basically can't do your job properly, I want the money back'. It was proud of him, as I was uselessly just losing my temper with her. She returned the money and we walked out. I couldn't believe what she had done, and how she had tried to insult me even in front of Greg, after that I couldn't wait to get out of there. There was nothing in the way of bars or nightlife, and all the restaurants closed at 9.30, so after a couple of quiet nights in drinking the box of cheap wine left over from my birthday, we moved on to Na Trang. This meant another horrible sleeper bus ride.  We arrived at 5am, and made our way to the budget hotel area. We had decided to pre book as it was a local public holiday and unfortunately we had arrived at the beach resort where they like to spend it, meaning everything is double the price. We couldn't check in until 1pm so we dumped our bags and headed to the beach. The beach was wide and beautiful, apart from the relentless hawkers bombarding you with their wares. It was ok for us though as we hired some loungers in the shade a went to sleep, which made us oblivious to their sales patter. We traipsed back to the hotel at 2pm only to find that our room was a dark and tiny hole in the attic, with a glass door and right outside was the family's/workers sleeping area, and about 6 people were slumped together asleep on the floor. After a few hot words from the owner he agreed to let us not honor our booking (they had our passports or we would have just walked out). It's amazing how much better value you can get by shopping around, it makes me never want to go on a package holiday again, where you're stuck with what you've booked. We found a brand new little guesthouse, with a great room for the same price. And there we stayed for the next 4 nights. Nha Trang was all about beach and drinking, there wasn't much else to do, unless you count a few temples which we opted out of. One night in particular was a big one as I had agreed to stay up and watch the Man U v Man City game with Greg, which didn't start until 2am.  I've come to the realization that a 'big' football match causes behavior equivalent to the male period.  They get all weird, distracted and can't concentrate on anything during the few days before the game.  During it, they become emotional, which can go unpredictably either way. But for the most part they are best left alone in a dark room, or if theyre in a public place they prefer to be surrounded and liasing with the same sex, to which they complain to and get emotional with. Post the match, they can either be fairly normal and light spirited (if they won) or the evil PMT, Post Match Tension (if they lose) then man goes into a state of depressed withdrawal, nothing can break this, nothing. Best thing to do is leave them with their means of viewing football forums, so that they can mull over their terrible misfortunes with other like minded men. What ever you do, do not try to engage them, talk to them or do anything that might annoy them, so help you god. Unfortunately for me, Greg went into PMT, which lasted approximately 48hrs, made worse by a hang over. So I took myself along to the beach for some sun worship. We decided to head to Dalat next, a town inland in the hills, where the weather was cooler. They make wine in this region, and the town was supposed to resemble a kitch alpine ski resort. We thought it sounded intriguing. In fact the drive there was quite impressive, driving through the green hills. We arrived at 2pm... And left at 7am the next morning. It was a shithole. Depressing, dead, nothing to do, poor choice of accomodation and the food was dreadful. We nibbled a little and spat it straight out and headed for Mui Ne with our fingers crossed.